Aintaerjection

Wow it’s May already. Time flies quickly when one is drowned in life.

It seems that with the warming weather, the bitter coldness of New York turns into uncomfortable, muggy rain. And whenever it rains, the bums escape into the subways, seeking shelter, spare change. It is unfortunate that they have also found out about the nice long peaceful stretch of ride between 14th and 34th Streets, and have deemed it the best time to hit riders up for cash. They are wily, those bums, for they know you cannot escape and there is naught else you can do but pay attention to them.

Not every bum is the same; there are many subspecies of Homo bummicus. Here are the categories I noticed so far:

• Silent Slumberer – These are the most benign bums you’ll meet on the subway systems. They don’t want anything from you, they just want to catch a few winks to prepare them for a heavy night of sleeping ahead of them. The only problem they pose is that they take up lots of seats so as to recline horizontally, and usually smell like an unhealthy mix of decay and keggers.
• Sorry Sob – The most basic of your bums, these are the ones who come in with a story prepared, usually about how they lost their job (most likely due to the economy, or a fire), home (usually from the economy, or a fire), limbs (not so frequently from the economy or fire), and hence need your change to feed their two to six hungry children.
• Talent Tease – Instead of depending on your generosity/magnanimity, these are people who either almost have a talent, or pretend to almost have a talent that they will perform for you. This usually involves some sort of half-assed singing, dancing, or a quarter-ass of both. You usually feel embarrassed by the end and wish they would just beg normally.
• Professor Poser – It is a well known fact that some Professors often stop feeling the need for personal hygiene and regain a form that would make their Neolithic ancestors proud. Unfortunately, this coincides with the visages of people who are financially unable to maintain their appearances. Hence, much confusion abounds. It helps not that the Professor and their Posers both like to ramble and mutter incoherently about incomprehensible things. One can only rely on what Holmesian talents one harbors or guess the true Professor from the Poser.
• Benevolent Bumkeeper – These would be the anti-bums. They go around subway trains announcing that they have bags of food and water, looking for other bums to help. The Bumkeeper usually does this as a part of a volunteer organization which is usually not supported by public funds and guess what, they want your change too. I hypothesize that if ever a Bumkeeper and a real bum met, they would annihilate each other, releasing odors of strengths proportional to their masses.

Ah the joys of the subway…

As with the vast majority of the people in the city, I take the subway to work. I find, that despite the screeching, jerking, and bumping of the cars, it is still possible to have a very relaxing ride… at certain portions.

In my experience, the 2 & 3 lines from 14th street to 34th are the most relaxing bits of subway journeying one can have. The stations are placed far apart, and the trains follow a straight line underneath 7th avenue. The stops in the middle are bypassed as 2 and 3 are express in Manhattan. This section is probably the most sleep-inducing section in my morning commute.

Unfortunately, I also happen to need to get off at 34th St. Which limits how much relaxation I can get out of the span.

I spend that relaxing time playing Find Waldo in my car. But instead of Waldo and Wanda, I have Wall-Street Jackoff and Woman Using Yarn for Hairpiece. Also: Girl Wearing Jeans So Tight You Wonder How She Has Any Circulation In Her Legs And Worry She Might Die of Gangrene.

One of the first things you notice in New York is its sheer size. The sprawling behemoth stretches five boroughs, each the size of a small city itself. The integration of these five boroughs into one city is brought about by the New York City Public Transportation system.

The subway system, the heart of NYC public transport, makes for some interesting observations. First, the old trains running on the 3 line are made by Kawasaki, who’s known more for motorcycles than train cars. Second, there are some really…interesting smells in the subway trains and stations.

Beyond that, here is a list of things I’ve encountered in the NYC subway so far:

• Bums with body odor so odorous you have to turn your face away from his direction in order to breathe.
• Subway magician, complete with live dove act inside the car.
• Barbershop Quartet, with a fifth add-on whose job it seems is only to hold up CDs of the aforementioned four.
• Leftover panties.
• Man with old fashioned box-style camera that I mistook for a bomb and almost called the police for.
• A girl hanging upside down from the subway handlebars.
• A man walking on the tracks, forcing the electricity to be turned off, halting the line, and having the police chase after him.

My, the subway is really full of things!